I just stabbed my salad 23 times with my fork & now it’s a Caesar Salad.
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I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Don’t ever mistake me for someone who hasn’t flirted with danger. I’ve got bitten by a Penguin. Twice.
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.