Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
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Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Justin Bieber’s home has now been thoroughly searched, but police have uncovered no evidence of talent.
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
My 5 yo lost her first tooth and wanted to bring her tooth fairy swag to school to flex on her friends. This included the white “fairy dust” (baking soda). So, I sent my kid into preschool with a little bag of white powder for show and tell. Follow me for more parenting tips.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”
Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
Me: 5, 4, 3..
Friend who has only 1 kid: “Why are you counting down?? They’re all playing nice.”
Me: 2, 1, 0
Kid 1 {Scream crying}
Kids 2 and 3: “I DIDN’T DO IT!”
Friend: “Oh.”