Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
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*puts stethoscope up to chest*
Dr: I dont hear..U don’t have a heart Karen
“Did my ex Kyle put u up to this?”
*Im in the bushes giggling*
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
*winks*
*shrugs*
*wiggles eyebrow*
*does jerk off motion*
*waves hands in the air like I just don’t care*
*does the hokey pokey*
*walks like an Egyptian**wonders why he didn’t ask for my number*
Somewhere in an alternate universe
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
my gym crush finally said hi to me and so naturally this was the time to start choking on my own saliva
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.