@ramenfuneral

I just swallowed a little hair color. I think I’m going to dye.

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@Kryzazy

If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.

@usermcuserface

Marty McFly had horrible parents. Sure teenage son, hang around with the weirdo scientist who lives alone and drives a windowless truck.

@idiot

#rudolph > .nose {
background: red;
border-radius: 50%;
@include shiny;
}

@junejuly12

him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?

me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar

@mattytalks

I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”

@LeahTiscione

*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*

@Dutch_50

The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.

@tarashoe

i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever