I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
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Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
I’m not lazy
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
“Coffee is disgusting. Why would grown ups drink this stuff?” says my son, who woke up at 5 AM of his own free will and then proceeded to wake me at 5 AM against my own free will.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.