I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
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Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love
HADDAWAY: shit
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.