I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
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worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
You know when two cops park their cars facing opposite directions so they can talk to each other through their driver-side windows? That’s called a 6-9-1-1.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.