if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
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I CAN’T EVEN BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND WHY SOMEBODY WOULD BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON-oh, never mind, I found it…
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
25 more pounds to lose and I’ll be ready to be seen at my gym.
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows