@sheseemslegit

“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”

-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.

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@CrockettForReal

if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe

@TheTobbie

I CAN’T EVEN BEGIN TO UNDERSTAND WHY SOMEBODY WOULD BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON-oh, never mind, I found it…

@Tommytoughstuff

[Murder mystery dinner]

ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.

ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?

@mommajessiec

Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.

Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.

@tastefactory

I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.

@seamussaid

this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin

@minafisheyes

Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.

@capnwatsisname

Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.

Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows