“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
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The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
interviewer: what’s your greatest strength
me: you tell me
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: delegating?
me: that’s right
Day 302 of my husband and I both working from home:
Me: *tapes note to microwave reminding coworkers to PLEASE CLEAN UP SPILLS THIS MICROWAVE IS FOR THE WHOLE OFFICE
car not found
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
we’re gonna need another temp
Life is a suicide mission.
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
#merica
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.