I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
You Might Also Like
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
I don’t wanna get too political here, but I plan on voting for whichever candidate will do something about Meghan Trainor.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Hey girl are you a capri sun? Because i want to stab you.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.