My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
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Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
its embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasnt sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
ALIEN: [1st day on Earth wearing my hollowed carcass as a disguise & trying to blend in] COFFEE AMIRITE
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.