Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
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– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
channeling her this year
A fake ID that makes you younger
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Where do rainbows go when they’re bad?
Prism. It’s a light sentence
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT
I love using food in the bedroom!
But, when it comes to wearing a condiment…
I mayo may not.
People who think Americans won’t take trains if they are a couple of hours slower than planes need to meet the Midwesterners who are like “why bother flying it’s only a ten hour drive”
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?