🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark, doo doo doo doo doo doo
🎵Baby shark!🎶
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I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
Him: Who ate a whole pan of pigs in a blanket??
Me with crescent roll crumbs stuck to my lip: Burglar.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
You have to be careful making self deprecating jokes on twitter. Because you say something like “oh my gosh I’m so ugly!” And people are like “yes. But we love you!” 😂🤣
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
“Pardon me. Might I murder you with my musket? Yes? Excellent news, kind sir!” – The Very Civil War