Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
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[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
When a CW is coming out of the men’s room as I walk past, I always ask if everything went well because that’s the polite thing to do.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
[funeral]
Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?
*sliding it off his finger*
Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…
Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”