I just threw away all the toilet paper in the office so this day is about to get interesting.

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You had a flat tire on the highway? What was that like?

[cut to: me crying helplessly until AAA arrives]

Your survival instincts take over



“dude, are you gonna do this every time you rearrange the furniture”


ME: we need to talk

BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—

ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all


Celebrities are so rich because they save money every time they attend a movie premiere for free.


I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.


3YO: “How do babies get out of bellies?”

ME: “Look! Ice cream!”

*5 min later*
3YO [COVERED IN ICE CREAM]: “How do babies get out of be—“


[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve


Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news


Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.