@Blondiethegood

I just threw away all the toilet paper in the office so this day is about to get interesting.

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@NicestHippo

You had a flat tire on the highway? What was that like?

[cut to: me crying helplessly until AAA arrives]

Your survival instincts take over

@TrentoMento

Ha ha! OH, HOW THE TABLES HAVE TURNED!

“dude, are you gonna do this every time you rearrange the furniture”

@FeelingEuphoric

ME: we need to talk

BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—

ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all

@markleggett

Celebrities are so rich because they save money every time they attend a movie premiere for free.

@MooseAllain

I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.

@MUMSIEesq

3YO: “How do babies get out of bellies?”

ME: “Look! Ice cream!”

*5 min later*
3YO [COVERED IN ICE CREAM]: “How do babies get out of be—“

@aidanjsears

[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve

@aparnapkin

Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news

@That_Damn_Duck

Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.