@MelvinofYork

I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise

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@envydatropic

I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me

@Ygrene

[being beat down with health, family, work issues]

Me: I will remain positive at all times

[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]

Me: I am going to fire God

@CArmanthegirl

Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things

@Chhapiness

My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses

@WhaJoTalkinBout

dad: where do you think you’re going

me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?

@nice_mustard

endless breadsticks. bottomless fries. yawning abyss of onion rings. HOWLING DESOLATE CHASM OF POTATO SKINS

@markedly

Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?

@SadieSmithRoks

It happens when you least expect it.

Your head starts to spin. You lose control and you start falling head over heels.

-winter ice/love

@NikiWithIssues

I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁