I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
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imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Pretty much. 🤣
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
My 3-yr-old just yelled, “Daddy I had a booger on my finger and I lost it but I lost it in my mouth!”
Therapist: the best revenge is to heal and move on
Me:
Therapist:
Me: are you sure, that doesn’t sound right?
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name