I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
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[being beat down with health, family, work issues]
Me: I will remain positive at all times
[my bagel sandwich falls on the floor]
Me: I am going to fire God
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
My wife gave me a hairband for my messy hair, and since morning twice I’ve tried to bring it down thinking they’re my reading glasses
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
endless breadsticks. bottomless fries. yawning abyss of onion rings. HOWLING DESOLATE CHASM OF POTATO SKINS
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
I’ll race you to the bedroom, winner gets to pick the hole.
It happens when you least expect it.
Your head starts to spin. You lose control and you start falling head over heels.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁