I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise

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Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.


I like to ask people what their sign is and then read them a completely different sign’s horoscope just to hear them say “that’s so me!”


I failed my Driver’s test. Driving teacher: “What do you do at a red light?” Me: “I usually respond to texts and check my Twitter.”


I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…

I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.


You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!


I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.

I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.


My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.


This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread