@philyuck

I just told my dog to “say hi” to another dog. And yes, I realize that’s crazy; this chihuahua obviously only speaks Spanish.

You Might Also Like

@10kbabyspiders

Weird how childhood memories are cloudy with a few very clear moments. Anyway, I remember when I was little there was a lady who pulled a hand full of loose Fritos from her coat pocket in the middle of a drug store and I don’t remember any of the 5th grade.

@ibrownied

Eating clocks is probably the most time consuming thing you could ever do.

@delusions_of

My karate skills are instinctual. Like if you wake me from a nap I kick you.

@danadonly

calling a guy “my ex”

-not true
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend

calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”

-true
-but makes me look pathetic

@The_Mentalyst

I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.

@whatmaddness

It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”

@JohnLyonTweets

[heaven]

Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.

Batman’s parents: Same.

@NewDadNotes

Daughter: what does biography mean?

Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.

[later at movie night]

Wife: let’s watch Cars.

Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.

@TragicAllyHere

Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)

Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”