I just told my dog to “say hi” to another dog. And yes, I realize that’s crazy; this chihuahua obviously only speaks Spanish.

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HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*


Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car


dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor


“The problem with quotes on the Internet is that they’re not always accurate.”

– Albert Einstein


I hate it when I have lots of visitors but only enough chloroform for one and have to use it on myself.


The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating


*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.

At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”


I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.