Weird how childhood memories are cloudy with a few very clear moments. Anyway, I remember when I was little there was a lady who pulled a hand full of loose Fritos from her coat pocket in the middle of a drug store and I don’t remember any of the 5th grade.
I just told my dog to “say hi” to another dog. And yes, I realize that’s crazy; this chihuahua obviously only speaks Spanish.
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Eating clocks is probably the most time consuming thing you could ever do.
My karate skills are instinctual. Like if you wake me from a nap I kick you.
calling a guy “my ex”
-but makes it seem like he was my boyfriend
calling a guy “someone i only slept w 4 times over the course of three weeks but spent 6 months crying over”
-but makes me look pathetic
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)
Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”