I just told my dog to “say hi” to another dog. And yes, I realize that’s crazy; this chihuahua obviously only speaks Spanish.

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I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.


My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.


I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.


So, the CIA can hack into my T.V. and listen to every word I say..


McDonald’s can’t hear me say “No pickles” through the drive-thru speaker.


The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.


[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?

-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.


“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.


her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!