@philyuck

I just told my dog to “say hi” to another dog. And yes, I realize that’s crazy; this chihuahua obviously only speaks Spanish.

You Might Also Like

@KalvinMacleod

HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*

@jordan_stratton

Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car

@saramorseyy

dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor

@KimDotcom

“The problem with quotes on the Internet is that they’re not always accurate.”

– Albert Einstein

@Underchilde

I hate it when I have lots of visitors but only enough chloroform for one and have to use it on myself.

@charstarlene

The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating

@WheelTod

*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.

At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”

@mortimermaiden

I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.