My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
You Might Also Like
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
MURDERER: *kicks down my door*
ME: *frantically picking up pizza boxes* oh my god you caught me in the middle of tidying up haha
Never know what to do with my face when someone is playing an acoustic guitar and trying to make eye contact with me.
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
I think the term copycat serial killer is a bullshit term. They can’t kill the same people as the other guy
The bright side of 2020 being the worst year ever is that it will drastically reduce the amount of “hindsight is 2020” jokes next year.