I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
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If you ever hate someone, give their kid a whistle.
Age 16: Made fun of my parents for going to bed at 10PM.
Age 40: Wonders how they managed to stay up so late.
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
doctor: any history of cataracts in the family?
patient: yes, on my mother’s side
doctor: interesting [takes notes] people normally get it in their eyes
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry