I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.

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Pixar: How did you get past security?

Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-

Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?

Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good


Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.


Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.


“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches


Pro tip: Fill the piñata with ketchup and you never have to host a children’s birthday party again.

You’re welcome


Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]


SHHHHH!!!!!!! I just got followed by a Jehovah Witness. All of you keep quiet and pretend we aren’t home…


Hate it when I’m reading someone’s diary and they accuse me of having boundary issues