I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
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DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
I tried killing a spider with kindness, but found that a shoe was much more effective
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
god: make a guy who brings children presents
angel: aww that’s nice
god: have him slide through chimneys at night
angel: wait what
god: i want him to scream ho ho ho while riding a flying sled pulled by a bunch of those horned horses
angel: dude
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
that lip filler tho
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Hank is one in a melon.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public
waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.