@Divergentmama

I just took a DNA test turns out I’m 100% a passive aggressive mom but if you called once in awhile you would know that.

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@Fred_Delicious

Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome

@SteveKoehler22

A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.

They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.

@JPHaddadio

They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.

@ItsSamG

My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow

@i_mthestorm

What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you

@SequelsWeWant

The Conjuring 3:

Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.

The kids torment them back.

They’re better at it.

The spirits flee.

@spinubzilla

Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will

@Turbo_Jimmy

I sexually identify with the noble panda; I too have difficulty having sex in a cage surrounded by 800 Chinese people

@MommaUnfiltered

Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.

@jonnysun

a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug