@spectatorindex AUSTRALIA: Massive community barbecue has been planned in Perth, outside the home of a vegan woman who took her neighbour to court because she could smell barbecued meat in her backyard.
@Divergentmama I just took a DNA test turns out I’m 100% a passive aggressive mom but if you called once in awhile you would know that.
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@spectatorindex 
@TheRolo Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
@sumpeoplelikeit If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
@glazerboohoohoo INVENTOR OF THE CHAIR: You might want to sit down for this.
FRIEND: Wher-Oh my god!
@AimeeHelene1 It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
@ClichedOut her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
@GrowlyGrego Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
@GrillinChillin9 Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
@girlnarly me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
@labyrinthpretty I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???