Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
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What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
just having fun
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
starting to think my starbucks boyfriend is asking other girls their name too.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
My Plans 2020
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
Remember before you give the finger from the safety of your car, not everyone has a schedule to keep
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!