I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
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Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
My love language is hissing.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
If a car depreciates as soon as you drive it off the lot then shouldn’t the price go down when you return from a test drive?
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
PLOT TWIST:
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
Customer: “Help! I got a text that there was fraud on my account here.”
Me: “Oh no, let me try to help. What’s your account number?”
C: “Oh I don’t have an account at this bank.”
M:…
C:…
M: “Then (inhales for a full minute) there’s no fraud on it.”
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.