@NickBossRoss

I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?

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@i_zzzzzz

All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons

@JohnLyonTweets

“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me

@SnizzleFrizzle

Dude on tv just said, “Where there’s fat, there’s flavor.”

He was talking about food, but I took it as a compliment.

@TheBeerGuy_

*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*

@aveuaskew

Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions

@Dutch_50

Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.

@UnFitz

Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.

Cat: Secretly? No.

@Mmelulu

Apparently the owners of Aldi and Lidl were really brothers. Presumably Aldi was the alder one and Lidl the Lidl one.