I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
You Might Also Like
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”
I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Getting lucky during a pandemic means I just scored the last bag of doritos in the grocery store.
Girls, if you’re gonna shave your eyebrows off just to draw them on again, at least make them interesting. How about drawing two umbrellas?
I remember when things only cost an arm.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
The government has already implanted chips in our heads. Mine are barbecue
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
“Don’t take this the wrong way”
Translation: Prepare for insult.