I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.

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I just hate when these girls take selfies on road specially when i am peeing in the background.


the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now


Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”


Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”


[at the club]

Her: C’mon, lets dance!

Me: Ugh, ok…one second *zips off cargo pants into shorts*


I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.


Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.