@Dani_Feld

I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.

You Might Also Like

@iGreenMonk

I just hate when these girls take selfies on road specially when i am peeing in the background.

@dril

the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now

@thepatrickwalsh

Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”

@noog

Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”

@squirrel74wkgn

[at the club]

Her: C’mon, lets dance!

Me: Ugh, ok…one second *zips off cargo pants into shorts*

@LackOfShame

I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.

@TheWeirdWorld

Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.