I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
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The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
Me: (Sigh) There she is.
Him: Sounds like you’re still carrying a torch for her.
Me: Yea, like the villagers carried one for Frankenstein!
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”