DATE: how about we move this to the bedroom?
ME: give me one minute
*i kiss all my beanie babies on the head and put them on the ground*
I just took such a long hot shower that when I finished, Captain Planet was standing in my bathroom with arms crossed shaking his head at me
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My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
Wife: our daughter got her first time-out today.
Me: what does that mean?
Wife: she had to sit quietly in the corner by herself for 10 minutes.
Me: I’ll go talk to her.
Me: [to daughter] how do I get one of those time-outs?
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
Cat: Lame. Just lame.
Me: Shut up. Not everyone goes out Friday nights u know.
Cat: Leave extra food out. Im bringing a girl home.
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Darth Vader: Luke
Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father
Luke: um ok
Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan
Because they need to bring young people to the church, insiders say the front runner for Pope is Seth MacFarlane.