@AndRyanTF

I just took such a long hot shower that when I finished, Captain Planet was standing in my bathroom with arms crossed shaking his head at me

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@trojansauce

DATE: how about we move this to the bedroom?

ME: give me one minute

*i kiss all my beanie babies on the head and put them on the ground*

@UnIxphysco

My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded

@racheltacobell

the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/

@NewDadNotes

Wife: our daughter got her first time-out today.

Me: what does that mean?

Wife: she had to sit quietly in the corner by herself for 10 minutes.

Me: I’ll go talk to her.

Wife: thanks.

Me: [to daughter] how do I get one of those time-outs?

@TheDeducers

How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away

@BeardedSteel

Cat: Lame. Just lame.
Me: Shut up. Not everyone goes out Friday nights u know.
Cat: Leave extra food out. Im bringing a girl home.
Me: …ok

@notacroc

Date: wanna get out of here?

Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti

@AtticusFinch79

[bakery]

Robber: Give me all of your bread

Baker: *starts emptying the register*

Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too

@daemonic3

Darth Vader: Luke

Luke: ya

Darth Vader: [heavy breathing] I am your father

Luke: um ok

Darth Vader: Also I’m vegan

Luke: NNNNNOOOOOOOOO

@DannyZuker

Because they need to bring young people to the church, insiders say the front runner for Pope is Seth MacFarlane.