I’m not that toxic
*glows in the dark*
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I bought all this healthy food at the grocery store today and now I’m trying to decide if I want Chinese food or pizza delivered for dinner tonight.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
The first time I ever had sushi some of the avocado fell out and as I was talking I mistook the chunk of wasabi for it.
This pretty much sums up my life choices.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR