I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
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I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Donkey Kong sommelier
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
[at funeral]
My brother was so realistic and sensible. I guess you could say-
*casket is lowered into the ground*
-he was down to earth.