I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
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I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
Me, as an undergrad, just starting upper level courses: THERE IS A PROFOUNDLY BEAUTIFUL REASON FOR ALL LAWS OF PHYSICS
Me, as a perpetual graduate student: Light goes that fast because it wants to
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
*Hands girl a card that says Be Mine*
Girl: Aw that’s so sweet
*Pulls out a pickaxe*
Me: Come on, do it I need some iron ASAP lady!
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
[On date]
Me: Duck! That’s my wife outside the restaurant
Her: What!? Your profile said “single dad!”
Me: Exactly. We’re a one dad family
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff