just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
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College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse on anyone who disturbs you.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Me: HAIL SATAN!!
Her: What?
Me: I mean, your sister is on the phone.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
I can’t stop laughing at this
Found something new to say when I leave a room.
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?