Me: objection your honour!
Judge : sustained
Me: *takes deep breath* objectionnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
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Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
Earth is indeed bipolar, but it’s not a disorder.
Human: [doing homework]
Dog: why aren’t you eating that
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Daughter: Why don’t kids at school get my sarcastic humor?
Me: Because they have boring parents, darling.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”