@DanMentos

“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”

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@Mom_Overboard

So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet

@stevevsninjas

People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.

@Jake_Vig

Police Officer: “Turn around!”

Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”

@AudreyPorne

[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*

@UncleDuke1969

“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”

Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”

@Smooheed

It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together

I know this now

@botandy

google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law

@briancthayer

Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.

@rationalists

The term “mentally ill” is reserved for white people. Brown people are called terrorists. Black people are called thugs.