My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
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when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Lol
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
one of
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
I’ll be mad as hell!