So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
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People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”
Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
The term “mentally ill” is reserved for white people. Brown people are called terrorists. Black people are called thugs.