@northernlivng24

I just tried to pet my cat and it turns out that pile of black was my T-shirt, so yeah if you’re supposed to wear glasses while driving I think it’s a good idea.

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@pleatedjeans

*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*

@CamGurrrl

my boyfriend is ABSOLUTELY REFUSING to do this sex position where he sits at the piano and plays a song about me and i lie on the bed and shed a single perfect tear

@skin_and_i

Australian is what happens when the British get wet and eat after midnight

@wittwitbarista

By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.

@Ygrene

At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave

@petemandik

Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.

@yupkirsten

friend: i need some advice.
me: *swooshing my cat through the air while making rocket noises* you’re at the right place for that

@narcoticpanda

*gets hit by a car*

Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”

Me: “Please… I need my… phone”

*opens Twitter*

Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”

@lawyerthoughts

If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.