Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
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Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan