*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
I just tried to pet my cat and it turns out that pile of black was my T-shirt, so yeah if you’re supposed to wear glasses while driving I think it’s a good idea.
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my boyfriend is ABSOLUTELY REFUSING to do this sex position where he sits at the piano and plays a song about me and i lie on the bed and shed a single perfect tear
Australian is what happens when the British get wet and eat after midnight
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
friend: i need some advice.
me: *swooshing my cat through the air while making rocket noises* you’re at the right place for that
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
If you see me in court you’d think I was furiously taking notes, but 9 times out of 10, I’m usually drawing a t-rex eating a witness.