I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
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Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Had I been Jesus, being invited to “The Last Supper” would’ve raised a few red flags.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.