@skittle624

I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.

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@Try2StopME

*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.

@EverydayGirlDad

4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.

@MrEd_EVH

Boss – can you pass a piss test?

Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?

@WilliamRodgers

My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…

So I took the car key off of his keychain…

He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now

@blainecapatch

and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”