DEATH RACE 2
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
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I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Me: Who is it?
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Me: Talk to each other.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”