I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.

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When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.


All the single ladies put your hands up!

*handcuffs all the single ladies together and pushes them off a cliff*

I’m your only option now.


Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.


Found out there is a microwave with a built in toaster, and this is going to be the greatest bath ever.


Date me?

You can’t afford the maintenance to keep me.

Vodka, high heels, steak, shiny clothes, tonic, Victoria’s Secret, and bail money.


toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise


If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday


How to make your girl feel special:
1) Write down how you feel about your drink or drug of choice.
2) Put her name on it & give it to her.


Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?

Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.

Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.