@skittle624

I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.

You Might Also Like

@ArtIsMyPorn

When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.

@kchees

All the single ladies put your hands up!

*handcuffs all the single ladies together and pushes them off a cliff*

I’m your only option now.

@NYC_Blonde

Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.

@_steamy_mac

Found out there is a microwave with a built in toaster, and this is going to be the greatest bath ever.

@MongooseMayhem

Date me?

You can’t afford the maintenance to keep me.

Vodka, high heels, steak, shiny clothes, tonic, Victoria’s Secret, and bail money.

@iwearaonesie

toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise

@pilau

If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday

@SlabBaconBP

How to make your girl feel special:
1) Write down how you feel about your drink or drug of choice.
2) Put her name on it & give it to her.

@Shade510

Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?

Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.

Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.