Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy

Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”

If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.

My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.

She just wanted a better look at her surroundings

*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.

Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.

My husband is taking me out on a trail today for some fun. If it doesn’t involve me riding a horse through the woods to view a dead body, I’m gonna be pissed.

I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.

Are you bored? Try something new! Draw a picture! Write a story! Strip naked, paint yourself green, and hide in a zucchini patch!

The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.

I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.

It’s hard to overstate the pressure and anxiety I feel when a stray ball comes onto the sidelines at my feet and the Pee-Wee coach and all the six-year olds look at me as if to say “surely you, a grown man, can accurately kick that ball back to the ref while everyone watches.”

🤣could you imagine

All the lions gathered together before slipping into a ravine. Pride comes before a fall.

Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles

Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.

Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch

Guy at urinal next to me:

Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.

Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick

“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”

Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!

Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd

Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real

If these origami self defence classes have taught me anything, it’s…. well it’s how to make a paper goose actually, I think i’ve been had

Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.

Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.

Me: No, not like that.

ME: Where are the posters?
WIFE: THEY JUST DISAPPEARED!
[In other room]
*cat is furiously stuffing missing dog posters into paper shredder*

i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far