I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
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Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
I just observed a sign that said “How do nudists clean their glasses?” so there’s that question to keep you up at night.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
My new favourite people are the Americans who complain about the air quality while chuffing on vapes all day.
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
The CDC has increased the 3 second rule to 2 minutes.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date