I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.

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If you don’t have a bucket list, then put “make bucket list” on your “To Do” list. nnYou don’t have a To Do list?nnnnJesus, what ARE you?


I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.

In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:

“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”

You’re all welcome.


1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours

2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money


Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.


Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you


Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?

Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*

I’m ok…allergies are bad.


My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk

Me: what about


Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit


Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.