I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
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People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
App: This app would like to use your location.
Me: NOT NOW I’M SITTIN’ ON THE TOILET!!
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Superman finally decides, after realizing an entire city of people is duped by a pair of glasses, that Metropolis really isn’t worth saving.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
my dad when a sex scene comes on
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell