I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.

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Me: we should probably go to bed

Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning

Me: ok



*Husband runs into bedroom*


Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.


I ran out of sterile gloves, so I’m just wearing boxing gloves when I go out.


I tailgated a cop who pulled out of the doughnut shop so he’d know what it feels like when he follows me from the bars.


Husband: *is grumpy*

Me: Guys, looks like dad woke up on the wrong side of the bed

6YO: (suspicious) You rolled all the way to mom’s side of the bed?


everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg


I am realistically only 1 crossbow away from accidentally killing someone with a crossbow.


DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.