@JermHimselfish

I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.

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@genehunter1

If you don’t have a bucket list, then put “make bucket list” on your “To Do” list. nnYou don’t have a To Do list?nnnnJesus, what ARE you?

@UncleDuke1969

I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.

In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:

“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”

You’re all welcome.

@caliluvgirl77

1990- I have three-way calling, we can all talk for hours

2015- don’t even leave me a voicemail unless you are dying or I won money

@WineMummy

Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.

@fowlerism

Hey girl, are you the barbed wire fence surrounding Meryl Streep’s house? Cause I just can’t seem to get over you

@ThRealBallsDeep

Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?

Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*

I’m ok…allergies are bad.

@AbbieEvansXO

My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk

Me: what about

@ADHDeanASL

Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit

@Scriblit

Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.