I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.

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“Dad, where do zebras come from?”
Well son, when a referee loves a horse very much


[first date]
“So, I heard you work at the circus.”

[shallows bread stick whole] Nope.

“You sure about that?”

[chewing on glass] Yup


Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles


*first day as a conductor

“Tickets, please”

*the orchestra is confused


Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.


[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.


Him: This fish is too fishy.

Me: How’s your water? Too wet?


Try to not fall in love with me, neighbors who can hear me spring cleaning at 4am.


[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]

“I know you’re not really an armadillo”


Date: Sing me something

Me: ♫ Open your eyes, look up to the skies and seeeee ♫

*banner plane flies by with “we should see other people”