@JermHimselfish

I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.

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@fishbowel

Me: we should probably go to bed

Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning

Me: ok

@PinkCamoTO

*CRASH*
*THUMP*
*SCREAM*

*Husband runs into bedroom*

H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?

Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.

@Scottzilla667

I ran out of sterile gloves, so I’m just wearing boxing gloves when I go out.

@SarahR_82

I tailgated a cop who pulled out of the doughnut shop so he’d know what it feels like when he follows me from the bars.

@not_thenanny

Husband: *is grumpy*

Me: Guys, looks like dad woke up on the wrong side of the bed

6YO: (suspicious) You rolled all the way to mom’s side of the bed?

@offbeatoliv

everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg

@shatterpants

I am realistically only 1 crossbow away from accidentally killing someone with a crossbow.

@jwoodham

DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.