@JermHimselfish

I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.

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@NicestHippo

“Dad, where do zebras come from?”
Well son, when a referee loves a horse very much

@Reverend_Scott

[first date]
“So, I heard you work at the circus.”

[shallows bread stick whole] Nope.

“You sure about that?”

[chewing on glass] Yup

@Cheeseboy22

Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles

@TheAlexNevil

*first day as a conductor

“Tickets, please”

*the orchestra is confused

@Home_Halfway

Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.

@elle91

[At a bar]
Guy: Did it hurt?
Me: What?
G: When you fell walking in. I saw you fall on your face. Everyone saw.

@Darlainky

Him: This fish is too fishy.

Me: How’s your water? Too wet?

@gothicaseas

Try to not fall in love with me, neighbors who can hear me spring cleaning at 4am.

@sad_tree

[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]

“I know you’re not really an armadillo”

@Ideal_Victoria

Date: Sing me something

Me: ♫ Open your eyes, look up to the skies and seeeee ♫

*banner plane flies by with “we should see other people”