[pitching a tent]
INVESTOR: this really isn’t a new idea
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
You Might Also Like
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
*Husband runs into bedroom*
H: OHMYGOD ARE YOU OKAY?
Me: Yeah. Just taking off my sports bra.
I ran out of sterile gloves, so I’m just wearing boxing gloves when I go out.
I tailgated a cop who pulled out of the doughnut shop so he’d know what it feels like when he follows me from the bars.
Husband: *is grumpy*
Me: Guys, looks like dad woke up on the wrong side of the bed
6YO: (suspicious) You rolled all the way to mom’s side of the bed?
I have no problem admitting that you made a mistake.
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
I am realistically only 1 crossbow away from accidentally killing someone with a crossbow.
DIET TIP: You are what you eat. Do you really want to be celery? C’mon. Not even celery wants to be celery.