I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
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[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
The perfect label doesn’t exi-
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan