I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
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me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Life Lessons from the Petting Zoo:
-Everything bites
-So much pushing
-Did you bring quarters?
-OMG, goats have the weirdest pupils
do horses think humans are hats
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
People should throw rice at baptisms and not weddings that little baby is all wet and needs help drying.
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
How my 7 year old plays board games:
Rolls a 6.
Counts to 6.
Moves his piece wherever he wants.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Gmail search is amazing. You can search something like “flight sacramento receipt 2023” and it will somehow manage to serve up literally every email in your inbox that isn’t the receipt for the flight you just took to Sacramento.
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes