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Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Me: can I get a breakfast burrito
Waiter: no breakfast after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with eggs
Waiter: no eggs after 11
Me: can I get a regular burrito with chicken
Waiter: sur—
Me: —pre born
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
Good things about drinking on the plane:
1. You don’t have to drive.
2. No matter how much you drink, they can’t throw you out.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
We decided to have money instead of children.
M: Yes, I’m here for the complimentary wine tasting.
Priest: Ma’am, this is a church service.
M: Oh, no worries. I can wait.