My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
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Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
Don’t say “lets get weird” on our date then get freaked out I’m dressed in Forever 21 and holding your cousin hostage.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
I swear…I think restaurants with drive thru’s identify the dumbest employee and say “here, you get to wear the headset”
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.