@KentWGraham

I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.

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@krisv_723

My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.

@Grommit56

Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.

What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?

@jjax44

A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?

John Cougar Melon Camp

@BreadFoster

Don’t say “lets get weird” on our date then get freaked out I’m dressed in Forever 21 and holding your cousin hostage.

@EastKentTom

Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?

@TweetPotato314

Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.

Boss: Need a new battery?

Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.

@RockKraller

I swear…I think restaurants with drive thru’s identify the dumbest employee and say “here, you get to wear the headset”

@MunkMania

*walks into business conference*

*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*

*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*

@PaulyPeligroso

The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.