I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
I just overheard some passing 8-year-old announce that after only two days of school he has already found a girlfriend, and now I have to unpack the fact that I don’t date at even a third-grade level.
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
The purpose of hangers is to put a zig zag wrinkle in your pants at the knees.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Watching cross country skiing is as entertaining as watching a person ride an elliptical
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
Setting my phone on do not disturb because I’m about to eat nachos and want zero interruptions.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Dad: Want a donut?
Me: YES!
Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.
Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?