I just walked in on two coworkers crying in a conference room and I was like, “mind if I join?”

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“did I catch you at a bad time?”

– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober


I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.


A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.


I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.


wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”


Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car


When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.


Fun Fact:

Valentine’s Day was created by a woman than didn’t get what she wanted for Christmas.




ME: I fear the number six.

THERAPIST: That’s odd.

ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.