I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
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Nothing makes me more stabby than when my husband ignores me and starts talking to the dog.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
ME: I think human cloning is a big mistake
ALSO ME: ok wow, I’m right here
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Them: How many calories do you eat each day?
Me: Usually 1500, sometimes 10,000.