@shutupmikeginn

I just walked in on two coworkers crying in a conference room and I was like, “mind if I join?”

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@Hobo_Splendido

“did I catch you at a bad time?”

– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober

@HatfieldAnne

I couldn’t help but notice how you have pistachios that you’d probably like to share.

@longwall26

A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.

@Social_Mime

I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.

@KeetPotato

wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”

@LilBlueBlood

Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car

@shanethevein

When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.

@Reverend_Scott

Fun Fact:

Valentine’s Day was created by a woman than didn’t get what she wanted for Christmas.

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@RedRegenerated

ME: I fear the number six.

THERAPIST: That’s odd.

ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.