I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
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As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
6yo: What is a solar eclipse?
Me: Have you ever been outside in the dark?
6yo: yeah
Me: same idea
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Autocarrot sucks!
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
If I’m ever arrested, I would use my one phone call for pizza.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
no!! no!!!!!!
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Teachers: “There are no stupid questions”
Parents of toddlers: “There are mostly stupid questions”
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch