@sixfootcandy

I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.

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@CornOnTheGoblin

[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls

struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]

@juneohara65

Doctor, reaching for a piece of paper: “Are you on any meds?”
Me: “You might want to grab a notebook.”

@ItsSamG

Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.

I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.

@UncleDuke1969

“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”

– Joan of Arc

@TheSweetestD_

How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler

@fillthevacuum

I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.

@UncleDuke1969

ACCEPTABLE RISK

Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.

@3sunzzz

4yo: Do you want to play pretend?

Me: I already am.

4yo: What pretend?

Me: Shh, you’re not here.