I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
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Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
*deletes my ex’s phone number*
k, weigh me now.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???