true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
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Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
What if your beverage could lightly choke you? Try boba! Yes, boba. Combining refreshment and near death experience since 1980.
My wife got four more Christmas presents for the dog than she did for me.
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
when it’s the weekend and you stupidly thought you might actually get to sleep in
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Son: I’m gay, dad.
Dad: no I’m gay dad
Dad #2: no I’m gay dad
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
(Gamblers Anonymous meeting)
Leader: Bob, tell us why you’re here.
Me: $20 it’s a Blackjack addiction.
Group: *all rushing to place bets*
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.