Imma need the barbs, beyhive, k pop stan Twitter, navy, and retired 1D stans to join forces and rig this election. I know y’all can do it
I just wanna be someone’s prince Charmin.
See what I did there. I’ll wipe out my account.
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HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
– a love story
Me: our neighbor’s a dick
Me: for some reason he thinks we’re australian and shouted ‘G’day mate’ in a bad accent. Ooh sick burn bro
Him: you know he’s Australian, right?
The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”
That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”
Her: I’ve had a hysterectomy
Him: I’ve had a vasectomy
Her: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Him: You gonna eat those fries?
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”