@Mechaniz10

I just wanna be someone’s prince Charmin.

See what I did there. I’ll wipe out my account.

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@sarah_ogun

Imma need the barbs, beyhive, k pop stan Twitter, navy, and retired 1D stans to join forces and rig this election. I know y’all can do it

@KalvinMacleod

[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*

@CountMackula

I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.

@FuzzyDuck17

Me: our neighbor’s a dick
Him: why?
Me: for some reason he thinks we’re australian and shouted ‘G’day mate’ in a bad accent. Ooh sick burn bro
Him: you know he’s Australian, right?

@RexHuppke

The emailer who threatened LA schools claims to be “a Muslim extremist.”

That’s like a student signing his report card “Timmy’s Dad.”

@philEfanaddict

[1st Date]

Her: I’ve had a hysterectomy
Him: I’ve had a vasectomy
Her: Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
Him: You gonna eat those fries?

@TheAlexP

Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.

@QwertyJones3

[Starbucks]

“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”

Barista: Is Pepsi ok?

@calluptome

The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”