I just wanna be someone’s prince Charmin.

See what I did there. I’ll wipe out my account.

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I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.


My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.


All of my friends are in love and I’m still on my own but I’m not gonna feel bad for them.


Just recorded the baby crying so I can play it back to him while he tries to sleep later to see how he likes it…


I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.


Today’s assignment: pay it backwards.

Tell the person in front of you that they’re paying for your shit.


I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”


Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.


4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?

Me: No. You always go in the potty

4: I can stop


Apparently I negotiate with terrorists


*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late