@Mechaniz10

I just wanna be someone’s prince Charmin.

See what I did there. I’ll wipe out my account.

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@raeraefairydust

I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.

@sara_ashlynn

My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.

@tsm560

All of my friends are in love and I’m still on my own but I’m not gonna feel bad for them.

@TheTobbie

Just recorded the baby crying so I can play it back to him while he tries to sleep later to see how he likes it…

@TheDeadfishSays

I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.

@TheMichaelRock

Today’s assignment: pay it backwards.

Tell the person in front of you that they’re paying for your shit.

@BrucioMcCulloch

I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”

@BadAssB48546279

Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.

@XplodingUnicorn

4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?

Me: No. You always go in the potty

4: I can stop

Me:

Apparently I negotiate with terrorists

@VanGobot

*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late