@dinnersruined

I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie

I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie

- @dinnersruined

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@GrowlyGrego

*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.

@stephenjmolloy

*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*

@Tmoney68

Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.

@DeadLioness

Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.

@Jordan_Morris

Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”

@badAzz_mom

*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*

@NewDadNotes

Wife: [helping daughter with homework] Black Sea, Red Sea, name one more sea.

Daughter: fancy.

Me: lol.

Wife: did you tell her to say that?

Me: no.

Wife: ok.

Me: I was gonna say Vitamin.

@DanMentos

doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what

@envydatropic

I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase

@schumoo

“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.