I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
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Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
My teen said I have a lot of fashionable clothes “because stuff from the 1900s is back in style” and I wonder if that includes washing a sassy teen’s mouth out with soap.
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
me when the borders lift
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.