i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)

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Had sex with a condom tonight.

Maybe next time it will be with a girl.


My daughter loves all the toys she sees in commercials. So of course I have to tell her they don’t exist in real life, just on tv.


Wife: What are you doing today?

Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter


M: Nah he can’t read


A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.

[Did you mean “digger”?]


My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.


My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”


Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”


My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..

We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.


Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?