Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
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My daughter loves all the toys she sees in commercials. So of course I have to tell her they don’t exist in real life, just on tv.
Wife: What are you doing today?
Me: Just gonna scroll Twitter
W: WHAT ABOUT OUR SON???
M: Nah he can’t read
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..
We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?