“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
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me: how do you like the future?
lincoln: it’s– omg stop the car
me: what is it?
lincoln: *pointing to ‘children at play’ sign* we have to warn them
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
Virtually all of the murderers in the Poirot books would’ve gotten away with it if they’d simply murdered Poirot.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
Take me down to the paradise city where the salmon are jumping and the tubes are fishy
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.