“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
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“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
My husband just sent me a text inviting me to go ahead and have the left over tacos that I ate three hours ago.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
the person who wrote the program that estimates how much time is left on a software update did not take their job seriously at all
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
My kid just put me in time out and I was just like oh no, I better think real hard about what I’ve done and take a nap
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
This sounds bad:
Okay
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
See..?
.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.