I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
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[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.
Plus, I’m 35
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
If wrestling is “fake” then explain this
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?