@LanieLalaBugs

I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?

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@RandiLawson

I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!

@neerjagurnani

“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.

@peachesanscream

New boyfriend is allergic to kitten so can’t keep him ๐Ÿ™ He’s ginger & named Tom. Friendly. Comes when called. 28yrs-old & works in IT.

@Audenary

BOUNCER: Sorry, buddy – planets only.

PLUTO: I’m on the list.

BOUNCER: Nope.

*Jurassic World walks in*

PLUTO: Oh you cannot be serious.

@MelvinofYork

My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF

@david8hughes

[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best

@AnnietheNanny1

I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and Iโ€™m not even sorry.

@BunAndLeggings

My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.

@JamieGreenlees

Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.

@offbeatoliv

Scotch neat please

Umm…this is a Starbucks

*sigh

Ok a scotch “grande”