I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?

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I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!


“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.


New boyfriend is allergic to kitten so can’t keep him ๐Ÿ™ He’s ginger & named Tom. Friendly. Comes when called. 28yrs-old & works in IT.


BOUNCER: Sorry, buddy – planets only.

PLUTO: I’m on the list.


*Jurassic World walks in*

PLUTO: Oh you cannot be serious.


My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF


[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best


I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and Iโ€™m not even sorry.


My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.


Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.


Scotch neat please

Umm…this is a Starbucks


Ok a scotch “grande”