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I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”


40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.


It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up


In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.


I wish I had the confidence to
just randomly sit on people and start bathing myself like my cat does.


If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?


Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.


I predict that Obama’s next move is to threaten to hold his breath until Russia leaves the Crimea.


[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]

[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]

[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]

[Everybody cuts foot loose]