I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
You Might Also Like
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
cow: [feeling sick] i have four stomachaches
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
[job interview]
“Tell me a strength.”
I’m a decision maker.
“Excellent. How about a weakness?”
I’m a bad decision maker.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi