And then Satan whispered, hey let’s put the alphabet in math
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
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Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?
OBAMA IS COMING FOR YOUR GUNS!!
ME: OMG *clutches guns*
[7 years later]
ME (frustratedly checking my watch): This guy is taking forever
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
“Surely EVERYONE pisses in the shower?” I protest as I’m dragged out of Ikea
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
Wait, Fellatio isn’t a flavor of ice cream?!
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
What is the worst kind of pasta and why do you think it’s penne?