I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work

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And then Satan whispered, hey let’s put the alphabet in math


Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?



ME: OMG *clutches guns*

[7 years later]

ME (frustratedly checking my watch): This guy is taking forever


Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”


“Surely EVERYONE pisses in the shower?” I protest as I’m dragged out of Ikea


Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*


Wait, Fellatio isn’t a flavor of ice cream?!


Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”


In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.