@ToskaXxx

I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work

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@muniraxo

And then Satan whispered, hey let’s put the alphabet in math

@JasonLastname

Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?

@InternetHippo

OBAMA IS COMING FOR YOUR GUNS!!

ME: OMG *clutches guns*

[7 years later]

ME (frustratedly checking my watch): This guy is taking forever

@Michael_Erhart

Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”

@bea_ker

“Surely EVERYONE pisses in the shower?” I protest as I’m dragged out of Ikea

@Gre_Gone

Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*

@orny_xo

Wait, Fellatio isn’t a flavor of ice cream?!

@jferg1616

Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”

@LetsQuoteComedy

In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.